I have completely lost my faith in the secondary meaning doctrine of trademark law. Half the time I go to the grocery store I buy the wrong brand of popcorn. Why? Because both Pop Secret and Orville Redenbacher* make "HomeStyle" varieties of microwave popcorn. Pop Secret's is vastly superior to Orville Redenbacher's. Obviously my lack of association of "HomeStyle" with either producer is precisely the reason neither can use it exclusively. But I still get confused and just want the saltiest possible popcorn. My friends tell me I am remembering the wrong thing (that would be "HomeStyle") - they say I should remember Pop Secret. However, that requires two dimensions; I want to remember only one.

That, my friends, is why the doctrine of secondary meaning is wrong. Because I want the easiest way to buy salty popcorn. Congress should get out their red pens and start writing things out of the Lanham Act right now.

* I met Orville Redenbacher when I was in high school. It was cool. But Pop Secret is still better.